GAH.

The GAH is because I have too much free time right now. I desperately wish I lived in a larger city right now, where I could at least bike to a combini and chill there for a while. But I don't, I deal with it, and the result is ya'll getting another post. Another reason is that I feel a significant change has occurred over the past 2 or 3 days, and I'd like to share it with you.

Well, as I've just said, I have too much free time right now. My school is having a host of different things going on mostly involving sports, and so the school schedule has been cut and diced and decimated until all that remains is a measly 2nd period per day (maybe a homeroom thrown in for flavor :) I spend some time after school talking with friends and teachers, but for the most part I head home and just chill for hours. BUT. While I don't really like the excessive free time, it has given me the break I've been needing, and a chance to think some things over and realize some things. And notice some stuff I hadn't noticed before. And so on. Anywho:

I miss my people back home. Not that I didn't before, but having so much time to do nothing sort of made the pain resurface a bit. I miss my friends at DSA, in DUSS, from Gov school, I miss my family dreadfully much, I miss the nutcase that is my dog. But there's a point at which missing gets really tiring- don't get me wrong, I love ya'll, but I'm tired of being upset because I can't stop thinking "Well, if I were in America, I wouldn't have to form all new relationships, etc etc etc..." So at one point this week I was in my room, had a complete break down, and then woke up the next morning 10x more independent. I really am a person who works in "clicks", meaning sometimes things do, quite literally, change overnight. Not saying that I wouldn't love to see you guys right now, but I don't feel a need to like I did before. So I guess the result is a more independent me... that doesn't feel like the perfect word, but it's close enough, I suppose :)

Right now, I'm sort of discovering things that... keep me sane? Maybe the things that put me in my comfort zone? Well, anyways, when you're completely thrown out of your comfort zone, you begin to realize what keeps you afloat even in the worst situations (not that I'm calling Japan the worst situation, but it certainly has been out of my comfort zone!). One thing is writing. I don't know how many of you track exchange student blogs, but if you do, you've probably noticed that I post more than most. That's because I'm absolutely addicted to writing. I hate "daily journaling" in a proper and traditional diary (which, for the record, is the worst word EVER), but I have pages in my school notebook littered with random observations and rants and lists (and a few actual class notes). The Japanese have a word translated as a "pillow book", which I feel is more appropriate. Pillow books are more or less a collection much like the one my school notebook has become. Not something as structured as a diary, bleh. And reading/writing at school makes me feel smart again and therefore more in my comfort zone XD The other thing is obvious, if you know me- music. If you were to ask me to divide up my exchange so far into some sort of segments, like months, weeks, etc, I would immediately say, "Well, the first week I listened to Jason Mraz, the next two weeks were pretty much straight up Sweeney Todd," and so on. I can remember quite clearly what type of music I was listening to at those times- weird, huh? Right now I've been obsessed with some Japanese artists- primarily Gackt and Kanon Wakeshima. If you were interested. :)

So this mix of stuff has produced a quite wonderful (and rather unexpected) result; I'm suddenly more comfortable at school. I'm tired of just going up to people and hoping to God they will be a) not incredibly nervous and b) include me in their conversations. That's not me. So I stopped doing that. I mean, it was okay for a while, but at some point I just felt like I was forcing myself to be friends with people, which isn't a good way to make friends. So what do I do now? I read books. I study Japanese or math (the only subjects I actually take, haha). I draw and sleep and write tiny pieces of music on the edges of my notebooks. And suddenly, people aren't so awkward when talking to me. They come up and start conversations, which 90% of the time (the other 10% is the morning, when nobody wants to talk to anybody, exchange student or not. That's the same no matter where you go) I'm very happy to participate in. And they've stopped talking about such plain subjects, thank goodness. The only thing that sucks is that some of my new friends are seniors, so they're all going to leave the school next April T_T But I've met some cool people in 1st and 2ud grade, too, don't worry :)

In a nutshell, I think the "big change" is that I became somehow more, what's a better word... maybe self-reliant? Anywho, whatever it was, it's made me more comfortable here. I'm learning heaps about myself and cultures and, well, lots. If only I could learn Japanese faster!!

And there you have it. Your insight into the mind of an exchanger who blogs too much :)

Jaa, ne!