Every now and then

I remember coming to Japan. It's a pretty strange memory- I was tired out of my mind and disoriented by the time change, but at the same time completely alert and trying to soak up everything at once. The effect is that most of it I can't remember very well due to my brain half shutting down every chance it got, but there are a lot of little clips and snippets I remember in extreme detail. For instance, I remember seeing Tokyo from the airplane (or the outskirts, at lease, which were brown and dusty) and separating from most of the other exchangers at baggage claim, but the between is a muddy fog except for seeing the "Welcome to Japan!" sign. And I remember trying to find the right bus to take to Haneda airport, but the bus ride itself is a mess of greenery, seeing a love hotel and thinking, "Wow, they really do exist,", and freaking out because we were on the "wrong" side of the road. I also remember getting off at Haneda, completely alone, asking a girl working at a pastry store where my flight was, and then being handed off to several different people, all of whom couldn't read my flight ticket (it wasn't just the English; the ticket was weird) and were trying their best to help.

The thing I remember the most is when I got on the plane from Haneda to Kansai. I sat down, and then I honestly think I blacked out; I woke up thinking we were still on the ground and freaked out when I looked out the window and saw that we were, in fact, several thousand meters in the air above Osaka. Nothing like waking up to the realization that you've slept through take-off and are in a little metal bird above a country on the opposite side of the world from your home. Ah yes. It was really beautiful, though, especially the tiny paths of lights heading up the mountains.

And meeting my host family. Being hot and tired and jet-lagged. Calling my mom and thinking, "Well, this is weird. I'm calling my mom from Japan??" Seeing my new house. Thinking it was waaay too small for 4 people. And then finally crying, so much crying. I don't think it actually hit me until I pulled out my pajamas and noticed how they still smelled like home, and this new place did not. In a way, I'm really glad- if I had known how painful that first night (or week, really) would be, I don't know if I could have summoned the courage to exchange in the first place. But I did, and now I know I do have the courage.

I'm not sure why I've been thinking about this so much lately. What it felt like to come here. Part of me thinks that my brain is subtly trying to remind me of why I'm here. Somewhere in the past 2-ish months, I feel like I've sort of lost sight of my goal in coming here. Like all the junk and whatnot that happened with my last host family, the troubles I have making friends, Japanese in general- all of that stuff has dragged me into a funk. What is it I want to get out of being here? What do I want to have accomplished by the end of my exchange? You forget those kinds of things when you have other troublesome troubles to deal with. And, of course, my goals have changed significantly over these past 6 or so months, so it's hard to keep track. Probably my main goal is to get a good grasp on Japanese, but that's the obvious goal. What else?

I'm still thinking about it, but I wanted to let you all have a little insight. Ever since I moved to this new host family, I've had a lot less clutter in my head, so a lot's been brought to the surface.

And that's your food for thought for today!

Laters ^-^