Yesterday, I woke up feeling especially unpleasant. I'm not a morning person in general, so I didn't think much of it and went to school. After I took the final steps into my classroom, I realized I was still feeling crappy and tired (usually the ride to school takes care of that). At that point, I thought, "Oh, uh oh, maybe something's wrong..." I went to my teacher and left school early. Turns out there's a bug running around my school, and as I can't seem to stay immune to any sort of illness in Japan- stupid swine flu >:(- I appear to have caught it. But my host parents took me to the doctor yesterday (another Rotarian, of course!), so I've got medicine and will just have to deal with a few days of headaches and incessant sneezing. That, or I'm having allergies to some plant here, in which case I'll have to get some medicine from my parents (hint hint to Mom and Dad).
So I left school early, but woke up feeling this morning feeling well enough to go to school. I really do try to go as often as I can. I know some exchangers take lots of days off and stay very well rested, but it's been programmed into me that missing school is bad, especially because I feel like every day I miss is another day of learning Japanese and making friends I won't get back. But yes, I went to school.
I got into my classroom and sat down, like normal. From that point on, things just spiraled downwards. I got the normal "Ohayo!"'s and strange little waves from a few people in class, and nothing else. Nobody coming up to start a conversation. Everyone else around me talking and chilling, me alone. I left class and went to one of the teachers, one who I trust a lot, and just burst into tears. I think I really surprised her. I surprised myself.
She called in my homeroom teacher, and we all had a long talk about... everything. I told them how frustrated I am because I keep reaching out to the students, but I still don't have good friends, how nobody ever asks me if I want to hang out and not the other way around, how I'm tired and worn out from feeling so isolated and ignored, how now it's even worse because the girls who I was starting to become friends with are going through some silly drama and breaking up their circle, how school has become so painful for me to deal with. I've been trying so hard to reach out of my comfort zone just to make some friends, but I really can't anymore. I can't do something I think is fundamentally rude or goes against my values, or just isn't me. It stresses me out, and then I get sick (literally).
I am very much at my limit with all this. I told them that.
Now they're working on finding me a new class, something which I should have done months ago. I'll probably be moved very soon, but I'm going to be doing some sitting-in on classes first. I may go to my math class. I may go to a level 3 class (smart kids). I don't know yet. But I'll be changing classes, that's for sure. And, tomorrow I'm taking a day off to sleep and get rid of this bug, but I'll be back on Friday.
I'm still really confused, because this literally came out of nowhere. I wasn't planning it, I hadn't even thought about it, and then I got to school and some sort of switch flipped in my head. Apparently, my subconscious was tired of me caring about whether the students in my class or the teachers or anybody would care if I complained, and... yeah. This happened. So...
I'll talk to you all later. Hopefully I'll have things a bit more sorted out by then!
Ah, Reese. I'm sorry you're feeling ill again. Feeling crappy just makes all the other stuff going on much worse. But it did force you to do something about your situation. I just hope that whatever comes from changing classes works in your favor. But prepare yourself for anything, baby. We're still over here sending as much good karma your way as we can. We love you, baby. Keep climbing, climbing, climbing.
ReplyDeleteWell this was bound to happen someday, since most of the time you just tried to keep it all to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI think it's great for you to take at least that one day off and just get some rest, relax. Don't really think to much about people who pay no attention to you. It's not your loss, it's their loss :E Just be yourself and everything will be ok :D
You tried, they don't seem to care.,.,.,. pfft fork it, there are plenty of other people and classes. Just like you got a great new host family, the same way you will find someone in that school who is acually interested in being your friend :3 Say everything you want to say, change things, do everything that would make YOU happy :> If present situation is no good don't forget that there always is a brand new opportunity xPPP~~
Fighting !!~~~~ Make them cry for not being your friends MUAHAHAHAH !!! xDDDDD .....
Never give up 8D and Take care,
from your long time reader :pppp~
(using university account to write you :O...I hope noone finds out xDD hohooho~~)
Living in a foreign country where you are foreign is totally stressful. You really need that moment when you can totally relax and regroup, which is why people have homes or shelter. So while I imagine you are familiar with the routine of where you live, you are still foreign to it, and you are staying in a home where you may or may not be able to totally completely let down your hyper-vigilant foreigner radar, so you never get to relax. Claudia and I found ourselves laughing hysterically at something that simply WAS NOT that funny on television, but we totally needed it because it sort of wore us out and relaxed us after weeks and weeks of baseline stress just from dealing with whatever. There's an old band called Suicidal Tendencies, and they have a song where the chorus is basically a guy screaming "And all I wanted was a Pepsi!" which was sort of how we felt periodically. We wanted to just be able to do something, not negotiate the whole lack of familiarity with everything process constantly every day every hour, etc.
ReplyDeleteAlso I can highly recommend sunlight. Winter is bad for that. Get some light. It will help. Honest.